Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Joelle

The time has come for me to process.

After chatting about it with my friend Christina yesterday and my midwife today . . . the time has come.

I don't know. Many may frown and furl their eyebrows at me and tell me that I am sharing something way to personal.

But I wonder. Is it really too personal?

The fact is that two weeks ago I miscarried. There I said it. Wrote it. And tears are in my eyes.

I wasn't that far along. But it was still a life.

She was a life. Joelle was a life.

Some of you have read my words and not known what to say to me the past two weeks. I did barf on my blog and all.

Others have seen me in person . . . told me to smile, walked away to get something to avoid my melancholy demeanor, and others are speechless. You caught me in the rare moment that I unfolded my heart before your ears.

Still others have bought me gifts, sought to find the right words, babysat my children, folded my laundry, and prayed for me in the wee hours of the morning.

Thank you.

I have tried to figure out why this whole idea of miscarriage carries such secrecy to me. Why, for two weeks, have I only told a handful of people? Why am I embarrassed to share how my heart hurts?

I guess I feel stupid. Joelle, and yes . . . I named my unborn baby (I think it is a healthy response), existed for a short time and is gone. I feel no anger towards God. Guiltily perhaps I feel a little relief? Our home is busy with three boys, homeschooling, AWANA, an addicted blogger, crazy amounts of fermenting, and lots of sewing.

I guess I didn't want to turn my loss into a publicity stunt for attention or awkward conversations. I have been the elephant in the room recently. . . and didn't want to turn into a mammoth. My friends and even people who aren't my friends didn't have to even ask to know that something was seriously wrong with me. There hasn't been any joy on my face for a while now.

And to be honest I still feel silly sharing . . . because she would have been only 4 weeks into her life. Not much time at all.

Heck, I didn't even know that I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I so don't want to go through that again.

So it seems dumb to me to be upset about Joelle when I didn't even know about her life until her death.

But . . . it happened. I experienced a miscarriage. I had no idea what women went through. I can so understand the emptiness . . . the sadness . . . the loss.

If you see me, just say "Hi" to me. Don't walk on eggshells. Yea, I'm hormonal. My son just gave up nursing and I miscarried all in the same week. That is a lot of adjusting for my body to tackle. My thyroid isn't working at top performance . . . and all I want to do is eat crap food. Not very granola, I know.

Explore with me . . . why do we as a culture keep a miscarriage hush hush? Maybe I can write an article for Mothering Magazine about this.

13 comments:

Jolanthe said...

What a BEAUTIFUL name for that precious life! :) I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Whether or not you knew you were pregnant at the time, there are going to be bucketloads of emotions to deal with.

And I am so very, very sorry.

We've lost three {twins at 12 weeks and one at 18 weeks} and it still boggles my mind that miscarriage is such a hush-hush topic. I'm a little verbal about it, but God blessed our family with a life {no matter how long or short it was} ~ and each life matters!

Praying for you!

Kristen McG said...

thank you for sharing.

I'm sending you a message on facebook right now.

God is using you, Jodi. Thank you for being a willing vessel... I am blessed by you.

christina said...

I am so proud of you for sharing your heart...giving a voice to your pain. You can be sure that you are not the only one who feels/has felt this deep ache. God will be honored by your honesty - and other women may be blessed. I love you...and I am so thankful to be your friend. :)

Anonymous said...

Jodi - Thanks for sharing. I wish I would have known when I saw you yesterday. However, the timing was atually better for me today. Yesterday I had actually left an appt with my OB quite hopeful that I was actually pregnant only to find out that today the blood work is in fact negative. I feel a bit guilty for my disappointment because I do have 3 amazing kiddos but my heart does long for just one more. Your words are a comfort to know that I am not alone in a similar struggle. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Jodi,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but God is there for you no matter where you are. I pray for your healing. I don't know why our culture keeps miscarriage hush, hush. I feel like it may be just because it is a death and I have found our culture is still very hush, hush about that. People just feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I think it is hard for us to embrase our sad, depressed, scared, lonely, and heartbroken feelings. These are just some of my thoughts and how experienced the loss of my mother 4 years ago. I do believe miscarriages are even harder for people to "get" beacause of them not being born yet. I don't think you should feel dumb for feeling sad, loss or empty, even if you didn't know. You have the right to grieve and take your time processing it all. I pray that you can feel God walking along side you through this whole process. I will be praying for you and your family. By the way what a beautiful name.

I know I don't commment to let you know, but I am faithful to read your blog daily or whenever you put it on Facebook. You are such an inspiration to me and I love your honesty and passion for God. I really do learn so much from you. So thank you for all you write and share.

Tabitha Yu

momof3munchkins said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Joelle is a beautiful name and it will be a very happy day for you when you get to meet your Savior and your baby face to face for the first time! I am praying for you!

Susan said...

I will be praying for you. I am proud of you for naming your baby. That is what we need to do. I had one at nine weeks and his name is Charlie and then one at 16 weeks and his name is Elias. MY children both talk about Charlie and Elias and how they will meet them in heaven. My five year old tells people we have nine children if they ask "Oh you have seven." She says ,"No we have nine."

I just lost Elias 7 weeks ago and it does get better. I have good days and bad but I am headed on having more good than bad. Yesterday was bad but i am praying today is good.

Conny said...

I'm glad you shared that ... as you said sometimes we kind of "hide" a miscarriage - not sure why - for me, I just thought no one else would care that I lost a baby at just 8 weeks gestation (back in Oct 2002). BUT for years after, I regretted NOT sharing - and started telling everyone I *had* a 3rd child - I *have* a 3rd child - in heaven. ANd yes, naming the baby is great - our pastor recommended it to us as well - ours was Christian Hope. In any case, praying for you as you heal ... may He comfort your heart and body.

Julie said...

Jodi I am so sorry for your loss. Joelle is a beautiful name <3

You should write an article for Mothering, I know someone there I might be able to put in a good word. It is such an important topic and it is so sad that in a time when a woman is in need of support the most that she feels she can not share what she's going through.

Hang in there! Thanks for sharing your story.

Carisa said...

Jodi ~ I came to your blog to look up the ages of your boys for a completely different reason (which I will still email you about later) and then found this. I didn't get a chance to check in with blogs the past few days. I am so sorry for your loss and so thankful that you have shared.

I will pray for your healing and the road ahead, whatever it may hold for you and your precious family.

Love ~ Carisa

3boysmom said...

Jodi,

My heart hurts for you. Know that you, and your family, will remain in my prayers as you process this. Cyber {{{HUGS}}} will have to do until I can see you at pick-up.

Sarah said...

Hey Jodi,

I was pointed to this post because I'm currently going through a "treatened" pregnancy...it's possible we'll miscarry, but there's always a hope that God will sustain this baby. I'm currently sharing my story on my blog. I never really thought to even keep quiet about it...might be a personality thing, I'm sure. And our situation is a bit different, too. I knew I was pregnant, started spotting, went to see the Doc, had early ultrasound, and so on and so forth. I'm not detailed on my blog about exactly what's going on...spotting and such, but I share my heart. I'm not sure how I would have reacted had I not known about the pregnancy until the miscarriage. I think I would have needed to wait awhile and process, too, and decide how in the world to share. You're a brave woman for sharing your heart...I'm sorry to hear of your loss, but from my scrolling and browsing your site...I've seen that God has ADDED to that and blessed you w/ another pregnancy...Where one door is closed, another is opened! Praise the Lord! Thanks so much for sharing, Jodi! Be blessed!

Sarah

Jodi said...

Just seeing if this works!