Thursday, October 7, 2010

Honesty, I Guess

Everything is done.  Except this blog post.

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OK, Hottie.  You were right.  I did have one more thing to cross off of my list before Sweet Pea is born.  And I am accomplishing it right now.

There is a thing called honesty that must be dealt with before all of my children are born.  I may sound all brave and adventurous, or maybe even stupid to some of you for

1) having all of our children naturally, and

2) having two of our children at home.

I must admit I thrive on being different, going against the grain.  But honestly, I feel that naturally and at home are the safest places.  That however, is not what I wish to touch upon today. 

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To endeavor to accomplish such a task as is before the Hottie and I in the upcoming days, honesty is required.  A reality check. 

For years, the idea of birth has evoked fear in my imaginative brain.  I once looked at pregnancy and birth as a medical condition, almost a sickness.  At times a battle still wages in my mind that this whole idea of growing a baby inside of me is somehow a disease and will most likely end in failure.  Chances are that something will go wrong and I will die.  It is a laborious curse thrust upon us as the result of Eve’s treachery.  It is something we must endure and even try to numb or dull.  Where does that image come from . . . I suppose the media and even the medical profession.  The hoopla surrounding the nine months that God grows your child is medicalized, almost impersonal. 

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We look at this miraculous process clinically instead of a gift, artwork in action, the ultimate sculpting and artistry, a rite of passage, a legacy passed down from one generation of women to another. 

And as I battle my former perception of childbirth I am also reminded almost daily of my own imperfections as a mother, and I question why on earth the Lord would have me train up another precious individual, when I lack the self-control I am so desperately trying to instill in my offspring.

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I’ve yelled this week.  I’ve thrown a few books in a miniature temper tantrum.  I have sighed.  I have lectured five minutes too long.  I have grumbled and complained.

Yet, no matter how I have screwed up this week, Sweet Pea is still coming.  I can’t change that fact.  In a few days, maybe hours, our family will be forever changed. 

And that scares me.  Change.

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I get scared that this delivery will be harder than the previous three.  I’m worried about my carpeting.  What if the bed skirt my mom sewed gets a stain on it?  What if I puke . . . or worse (some of you ladies know what I mean)?  What if the Hottie can’t get home in time because of traffic?  How shall we handle the birth-day party?  What if my neck is still pinched when I go into labor?  What if my water breaks at the vet today?  Why on earth did my dog have to get a bladder infection before the baby was to arrive?  Is it OK that I don’t have my traditional tea party at Helio’s?  I still want to get a pedicure.

Those are some of my thoughts . . . rational and and unreasonable (some of them).  But I am giving you honesty.  To move through something, you have to process. 

No one climbs Mt. Everest by wishing they were at the top.  Mountaineers have to prepare and work, burn some calories--win the mental game.

To fight the mental game, I got up shortly after the Hottie this AM and read my Bible.  Knocked off two days in my B90x  B100x plan.  (Four more days of reading to go.)

As I turned into a prune, I soaked up God’s word and was fortified for this new adventure.  To have this baby, I have felt that it was imperative that I gird my mind to raise a homemaker, a pleasant girl who loved the Lord and had a gracious spirit (which is why I began reading the Bible in 90 days). 

But how can I bless my baby girl when I am really the opposite of all the gifts that I desire the Lord to bestow upon her?  I am blunt, often too honest, a seeker of a good laugh, critical, an open book, a devourer of food, quick to judge, and sometimes lazy. 

Only through the transforming work of the Holy Spirit is how . . .

  • “For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.”  (2 Corinthians 2:15)
  • “But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.  Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  (2 Corinthians 3:16-17)
  • “Now it is God who has made us for this VERY purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.” (2 Corinthians 5:5)
  • “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
  • “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”  (Galatians 5: 22,23)
  • And oh, I so want this to come to pass in my life so as not to pass it down to Sweet Pea, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other us according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen .  . . Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4: 29, 31, 32)
  • “Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men” (Ephesians 6:7)

I really could go on.  Almost all of Philippians, Colossians 3, and 1 Thessalonians are underlined (and water stained!)  But I need to get the dog ready.

Honesty.  The birth is coming.  I’m not slamming myself against a wall in condemnation.  I’m being honest.  Instead of reviewing a book, I am reviewing myself for a change.  I have to face the future.  Childbirth and motherhood are hard work.  So are other things, for that matter. 

I needed to get right with God this morning.  I may have some more pruning to do.

But I feel better now. 

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